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blue collar comedy tour tater salad

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blue collar comedy tour tater salad

Renowned comedian Ron White, affectionately known as "Tater Salad," catapulted into the limelight as the cigar-wielding, scotch-savoring humorist who stole the spotlight within the Blue Collar Comedy Tour phenomenon. Yet, his trajectory has evolved into an extraordinary journey, one where he has risen to chart-topping Grammy-nominated comic and a captivating feature film actor.

At his core, Ron White remains an exemplar of timeless storytelling. His narratives weave the fabric of his existence, spanning from his upbringing in a Texan hamlet to the reflections of his everyday encounters, ultimately culminating in his ascension as one of America's most celebrated comedians. The unrivaled resonance of his humor is evident in the fact that all four of his comedy albums not only scaled the Billboard Comedy Charts but also claimed the coveted #1 position.

In a symphony of achievements, Ron White's trajectory from humble beginnings to the echelons of comedy and entertainment is nothing short of awe-inspiring. His narratives have not only tickled the world's funny bone but have also etched a profound legacy that transcends stages, screens, and generations.

blue collar comedy tour tater salad

‘Tater Salad’ comedian Ron White takes stage at Stephens Auditorium Thursday

blue collar comedy tour tater salad

Ron White , the “cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour phenomenon,” will perform at Stephens Auditorium at 8 p.m. Thursday, according to a news release.

Nicknamed “Tater Salad,” White has taken the stage at Stephens twice in the past, performing for sold-out crowds there in 2016 and 2018.

“We are thrilled to welcome Ron White back to Stephens after having to reschedule his original show date in April 2020 due to the pandemic,” Stephens Auditorium Executive Director Tammy Koolbeck said in the release. “Ames has always warmly welcomed Ron White to our stage. We are excited to not only welcome Mr. White back, but to welcome our community back to Stephens, too.” 

Ticket purchases can be made in person at Stephens Auditorium only by appointment by emailing [email protected].

Tickets are also available online at ticketmaster.com or by phone at 800-982-2787.

Ticket prices range from $45 to $74, and two VIP packages are available as well.

The “100 Proof” and “200 Proof” VIP experiences range from $134 to $223. They include premium seating, merchandise and an autographed note from White. The “200 Proof” package offers a post-show question-and-answer session and photo opp with the comedian as well as a VIP pass signed by him.

Other entertainment: With a spooky history, Ames Haunted Forest opens for 21st year

White is a Grammy-nominated comedian, who tells his real-life stories, “ranging from growing up in a small town in Texas to sharing stories of his daily life to becoming one of the most successful comedians in America,” according to the release.

He’s recorded four comedy albums, all of which hit No. 1 on the Billboard Comedy Charts. Between his solo work and his recordings with the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, he’s sold more than 14 million albums.

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Ron White: They Call Me Tater Salad

Ron White: They Call Me Tater Salad (2004)

Ron White does an hour long standup routine about his life, things that bother him, and other thoughts. Ron White does an hour long standup routine about his life, things that bother him, and other thoughts. Ron White does an hour long standup routine about his life, things that bother him, and other thoughts.

  • Michael Drumm
  • 2 User reviews
  • 2 Critic reviews

Ron White: They Call Me Tater Salad (2004)

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More like this

Ron White: You Can't Fix Stupid

Did you know

  • Trivia This performance was filmed at the exact same place (the State Theatre in Kalamazoo, Michigan) on the exact same date (October 30, 2003) as fellow Blue Collar comedian Larry the Cable Guy 's performance, Larry the Cable Guy: Git-R-Done (2004) . Both performances were likely filmed immediately after each other. If you carefully study the audiences of both shows, you will notice the exact same people in the front rows.

Ron White : Someone stole the radio out of my van last time I was here. Thank you whoever you are.

Ron White : I spent the entire drive home listening to the sounds of the wind for 49 hours.

[snaps his fingers, bobbing his head to an imaginary melody]

Ron White : So, I went to the insurance agency to report my claim and they asked me what kind of radio it was, and I had to idea, but the guy told me, "Mr White, if you tell us what kind of radio it was we'll know how much to write the check for." Oh?

Ron White : So I wrote down some big, expensive brand and he knew I was lying.

[impersonating the clerk]

Ron White : "Mr White, I don't think... *Rolex* makes a radio." It was a clock radio! Write the check, premium-boy.

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  • Runtime 56 minutes

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RON WHITE

Friday, January 12, 2024

Ron White Tour — Catch Tater Salad Live!

blue collar comedy tour tater salad

From his humble Texas beginnings as the cigar-wielding, scotch-sipping jokester of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, to his current status as a Grammy-nominated powerhouse and captivating feature film actor, renowned comedian Ron "Tater Salad" White has skyrocketed to stardom, solidifying his place in the American comedy hall of fame. White's timeless storytelling is truly extraordinary. His tales come straight from his own life, spanning from his humble beginnings in a small Texas town to his hilarious encounters in everyday life. He has skyrocketed to become one of America's most successful comedians, selling over 14 million albums (solo or with the Blue Collar Comedy Tour), and earning two Grammy nominations, all while consistently dominating the stand-up comedy scene in America.

Ron's extraordinary comedy journey performing started in 1986 opening for legendary comedians Sam Kinison and Jeff Foxworthy. Having become somewhat of a comedy club headliner, in 2000, White was asked to join the Blue Collar Comedy Tour alongside Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. The show toured over three years to sold-out audiences in over 270 cities and grossed over $35 million making it one of the biggest-selling comedy shows. Warner Brothers took notice and filmed the show, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie for national release. The film premiered as the most-watched movie in Comedy Central's history.

In 2003, he unleashed his breakthrough comedy album, "Drunk In Public," setting the stage for a comedic journey like no other. His first one-hour TV special, "They Call Me Tater Salad," made Comedy Central history with the highest viewership for a Sunday program and clinched the #1 spot on the Billboard Comedy Chart.

The hilarity continued with White's second-hour comedy special, "You Can't Fix Stupid," attracting a whopping 4.5 million viewers on Comedy Central. It became the third largest audience in the network’s history and claimed the #1 spot on primetime basic cable. The accompanying CD dominated the Billboard Comedy Charts for 9 consecutive weeks, earning Ron White his first Grammy nomination.

Today, Ron White is still rocking the comedy clubs with a well-deserved nomination as Pollstar’s Comedy Touring Artist of the Decade. His live performances continue to be the lifeblood of his career, drawing sold-out crowds across the nation. Don’t miss out on the hilarity—join Ron White on stage for an unforgettable night of laughter that will leave you in stitches!

Connect with Ron:

YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/user/ronwhitecomedy  

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/TheTaterSalad  

Twitter - https://twitter.com/Ron_White  

Vimeo - https://vimeo.com/ronwhite  

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/ronwhiteofficial/

Catch the stand-up comedy legend live and experience why Ron White remains a comedic force to be reckoned with. He's taking over the Smart Financial Centre stage on January 12 and there's still time to snatch up some great tickets. Prepare to be blown away by Tater Salad as he unleashes a barrage of side-splitting jokes and anecdotes playing off his real life experiences.

From his Netflix special "If You'd Quit Listening, I'd Shut Up" to his fresh and hilarious everyday encounters. Don't miss out on the razor-sharp wit of platinum-selling "blue collar" stand-up and experience Tater Salad's inimitable wit firsthand!

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blue collar comedy tour tater salad

  • Date Nov. 17 , 2022
  • Event Starts 8:00 PM
  • Venue The Riverside Theater
  • Doors Open 7:00 PM
  • On Sale Availability On Sale Now

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SMALL PURSES ONLY, PLEASE. PURSES ARE SUBJECT TO SEARCH To efficiently create a positive and safe experience for all patrons, only small purses (13″W x 4″D x 9″H and smaller) are allowed into the theater and all are subject to search.

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1600x450_Ron_White_OnSales4

Comedian Ron “Tater Salad” White grew from small-town Texas roots to become one of America’s most popular comics. He first rose to fame as the slow-drawling, cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, alongside Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy. Ron’s solo comedy specials They Call Me Tater Salad and You Can’t Fix Stupid made him a household name. Now, he’s a three-time GRAMMY® nominee for Best Comedy Album and a New York Times best-selling author—and he’s still making audiences laugh across the country.

blue collar comedy tour tater salad

A fee of $3.50 has been added to all performance tickets to offset the cost of COVID-19 upgrades and maintenance for performances taking place between September 1, 2021, through July 1, 2022.

NJPAC values the safety of our audiences, artists, and staff. It regularly updates its COVID protocols and procedures based on CDC, federal, state, city, and other scientific data. NJPAC reserves the right to alter safety protocols at any time and at its sole discretion including but not limited to social distancing, vaccines/testing, masks, food service limitations, venue capacity, and entrance requirements as it deems appropriate.

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Opening Act: Vic Henley

Cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman Ron White of “Blue Collar Comedy” fame returns to Morristown for an evening of politically incorrect humor. 

Mature content, language. Adults Only. 

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blue collar comedy tour tater salad

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Portrait picture of Ron White

Ron White's Stand-up Specials

The ron white animated show (2006), ron white's comedy salute to the troops (2014), ron white comedy salute to the troops 2012 (2012), ron white: they call me tater salad (2004), ron white: behavioral problems (2009), ron white: a little unprofessional (2012), ron white: you can't fix stupid (2006), comedy central presents: ron white, ron white's comedy salute to the troops (2011), ron white: if you quit listening, i'll shut up (2018), the ron white show (2005), the ron white show (2009), ron white's comedy salute to the troops (2015).

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blue collar comedy tour tater salad

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blue collar comedy tour tater salad

blue collar comedy tour tater salad

Ronald "Ron" White (born December 18 , 1956 ) is an American stand-up comedian and satirist from Fritch, Texas . He is a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

  • 1.1 They Call Me Tater Salad
  • 1.2 The Tater Salad Story
  • 1.3 You Can't Fix Stupid
  • 1.4 Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again
  • 1.5 Behavioral Problems
  • 1.6 A Little Unprofessional
  • 1.7 If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up (2018 Netflix special)
  • 2 External links

Quotes [ edit ]

They call me tater salad [ edit ].

  • I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sunglass Hut. Here's the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch color television set? I go to the Sunglass Hut. I see a pair that I like . I don't love them. I don't. I like 'em. $309. And I asked the guy, very politely, "How do you sleep at night, ya little prick?" [audience cheers] You know what I mean? Always just wonderin'. And I told him--and this is true--that two weeks ago, I bought a 25" color television set from Wal-Mart for $218. And he goes, "Well, apparently, sir, you don't get it." "...I'm listenin'." He goes, "These glasses block 100% of all UV rays." I'm like, "No, apparently you don't get it; this thing decodes a digital satellite signal it picks up from outer-fucking-space!" [audience cheers] And then it turned out the glasses got basic cable and I felt like a dickhead...
  • You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever...I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.
  • Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos and... [audience cheers] , I was flippin' through the television and I saw Robert Tilton . He's a televangelist from Dallas, and uh, he was staring at me. And he said this. He said, "Are you lonely?" [shrugs] Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?" [Takes a sip of his drink] This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" [shocked look] YES, SIR! "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second! Apparently, I'm ain't the only cat on the block that digs Cheetos.
  • I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe . We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. [imitates sound of a tiny airplane] . What happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We're traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming, "Go around!". We get halfway to Phoenix and we gotta go back. It's a 9-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they take told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] "Heard ya! Sure did." It was weird. Everybody on the plane was nervous, but I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't give a shit." You ever have one of those days? "Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind . Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes "Hey man! [gasps for air] Hey, man! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far will the other one take us?" [As himself] "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin' ass!"
  • The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean. You remember the old DeBeers slogan, "Diamonds are forever." Then they changed it to "This year, take her breath away." The new slogan is "Diamonds. Render her speechless." Why don't they just come out and say it: "Diamonds. That'll shut her up... for a minute."
  • [on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.
  • I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower.
  • Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example: I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and later in the day he said, and I quote: "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beef broth in it." Your system's kickin' back broth ? You're a manly man, aren't you?
  • I've been through two hurricanes; I was in Hurricane Carla as a kid in Houston, and I was really excited during hurricane time, because you're out there on the Gulf and it's dangerous, and I was like, "This is cool!" Till shit started hitting our house, then I was like, "FUCK THIS!"
  • They evacuated everybody from the (Florida) Keys and everybody leaves except for one guy who’s gonna stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach, to prove a point; and the point was, he said, that at 53 years of age, he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind and the rain of a force 3 hurricane. OK, let me explain something to ya: it isn’t that the wind is blowin’. It’s what the wind is blowin’. If you get hit with a Volvo , it doesn’t really matter how many sit-ups you did that morning. If you have a "Yield" sign in your spleen, joggin' don't really come into play. "I can run 25 miles without stopping." "You're bleedin'." "Shit!"
  • One time, I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on for so long that the criminal eventually shot himself . And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor!" And I'm thinking, "I can see his head! Shoot him in his fuckin' head!"
  • You ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that get out of that white Suburban, it's been on Cops a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point...blank...range —nobody gets hurt. I would love to have been at that office the next day when that guy's being interviewed by the police. "And then what happened?" "Well, at that point, I unloaded my semi-automatic 9 millimeter weapon at point blank range." "And then what happened?" "They...left." Nice shooting, Elmer Fudd. There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots , didn't even hit the fuckin' Suburban!
  • Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn't... want to go. But I ended up going, 'cause—back me up on this, fellas—once you've seen one woman naked, you...wanna see the rest of 'em naked. It can be an old biker chick, you know they're gonna hang down to here. "Wanna see my titties!?" "Yeah, I do!" [cringes] "All right, that's enough, roll 'em back up!" [imitates her rolling her breasts back up and sealing them in place.] The things that make you go [shudders]
  • I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
  • I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.
  • My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!"
  • I got happily married to a rich woman. If you ever have a choice, go ahead. Actually, she's not rich at all. Her parents are loooooaaaddddeeeed. And they hate my guuuuuuuuuuutttttsss. And I am waitng for them to diiiiiiiieeeeeeee. And you will know when they die, 'cause you will never see my fat ass again.
  • I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schneider would still be alive today if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote". He got bitten by a copperhead, and I'm telling him funny stories out of Reader's Digest . His head started to swell, I said "This ain't working". He goes, " READ FASTER!! "
  • I'm a dog lover. Actually, I love my dog, I don't give a shit about your dog. I don't know your dog. Your dog could be an asshole, I don't know.
  • I like to keep the inside of the house between 70 and 75 degrees. My ex-wife liked to keep the inside of the house between 75 and a hundred and fuckin' ten. And you can't keep Tater Salad at that temperature.
  • She and I got into another argument about the temperature of the dwelling and she took a butcher knife and slashed the tires on my truck. So I dug up an old Polaroid of her and entered it in Hustler' s "Beaver Hunt" contest and she won. And I used the money to buy me some new tires, and she super-glues my dick to my stomach, so you see how things get out of hand? [scratches himself in the middle of the chest] Still itches.
  • [imitating his cousin Ray on hunting deer] "Well, it was 4 in the mornin'. 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there...pussy. I'm in a camouflage deer blind, with grease paint on my face. I've got had deer urine on my boots—I'm not sure why. [as himself] I made that part up. [returns to imitating Ray] I've got a .30-06 rifle with a 12 power-scope and a bullet that'll travel at 2,500 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I'd hung from the danged ol' tree...caught him right above the eye." "Yeah? Well, I hit one with a van , goin' 55 miles an hour, with the headlights on and the horn blowin'!" Woo, that's an elusive little creature! If you ever miss one, it's because the bullet's moving too fast. Slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it, the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet!
  • One time, my wife said to me, [imitating his wife] "Honey, the dryer is broken." [as himself] Did you check the lint trap? [imitating his wife with a clueless face] Sit down, honey, I'll check it. [as his wife] "Was there anything in there?" [as himself] There's a quilt in there. Look! You made a sofa cushion.
  • I bought this big two-story custom van back when I was married. I forgot to tell you this, it was getting kinda cool, it had the James Bond couch in the back, when you push a button, the couch automatically turns into a bed, and I was like, "Well, that's cool." I finally got something over those Mercedes-Benz-driving in-laws of mine, you know what I mean? When I first bought the van, I was real proud of it. I took it straight over to my brother-in-law's house to show it off, 'cause he's such a prick. He takes one look at my new van and he goes [in snobbish accent] "I can't believe you didn't buy a Mercedes-Benz." They don't make a van. "Ron, I don't think you fully understand the intricacies of Mercedes-Benz engineering. Why, I got the three-inch windshield wiper that keeps my headlight clean in a rainstorm." I got a place to fuck your sister. I don't know why they didn't like me.
  • In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it! That's right. You come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back! That's our policy. They're trying to pass a bill right now through the Texas legislature that will speed up the process of execution in heinous crimes where there's more than 3 credible eyewitnesses. That means that if three or more people saw you do what you did, you don't sit on Death Row for 15 years, Jack! You go straight to the front of the line. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My state's putting in the express lane!
  • There was this one crime I read about that was so heinous, I didn't have any words for it. This guy had killed a girl, her mother, and her grandmother without provocation. I mean, I am so pissed off reading this, steam's coming out of my ears. This guy was put on trial and was found guilty and sentenced to death by a jury of his peers. Then, about a week before the execution, a group of people stood up on his behalf, ON HIS BEHALF, to say, "We can't kill him. He's too crazy to know we're killing him!"...So what are we arguing about? If he doesn't know the difference and it makes me sleep better at night...
  • So we're trying to breed Sluggo and get pick of the litter, so we put him with the female dog for a week. And to make sure it takes, we take him to the vet and they do the artificial insemination, and now it don't take shit to get Sluggo to go to the vet! So the last time we go there, the lady says, "Mr. White, if you'll just come with me, I'll show you how to do this, so next time you don't have to bring the dog, you can just bring the sperm." And I'm like [laughing] "No, you go ahead and jack off the dog, he follows me around too much as it is." He'll be following me around like, "Jack me off! Jack me off! You did it once!" Do it yourself. "I don't have any thumbs. [sobbing] I don't have any goddamn thumbs! Now jack me off, you piece of shit!" [feigned shock] Do we talk to Daddy like that? "Please? Please , jack me off, you piece of shit, I don't have any goddamn thumbs."...I've lost my mind.
  • She got convinced in her crazy head that I had sex with this girl in Columbus, Ohio...and I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody, you usually do it at a point in the relationship when you're having a lot of sex. So you're willing to sign the papers. "I'll only have sex with you, ever-ever-ever...ever." Well, if that person stops having sex altogether ... why, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in awhile, it's hard to keep me under the porch. I'm not as flexible as real dog. And I'll tell you what happened, too. I was in Columbus, Ohio, and I haven't been laid in three months. Three months! You can't go three months without having sex with me. I'll go have sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it. I did a show one night. I came offstage, there's gorgeous woman, maybe 35, 40 years old, long black dress, slit up to her waist, GORGEOUS. Gimme a second. Just...And I walk off stage, she goes, "I thought you were hilarious. I wanna buy you a drink." I'm like, "I can't do that, I'm married." And she says, "I didn't ask if you wanna have sex, big boy. I asked if you wanna have a drink at my place."...Alright. Now, you know of that little guy that sits on your shoulder and reminds you of your prior commitments and your moral fortitude? I didn't hear a peep out of that guy. He hadn't been laid in 3 months either. He was speechless for like 20 minutes then he was like, "Suck her titty!"..."I was gonna!" I was having a 3-way with my conscience. Soon as the whole thing's over, he's back at his post, saying, "That was wrong, mister!" "Hey! 15 minutes ago, you were beating off on my shoulder, monkey boy!" I hate him. He smokes pot. He burned a hole in my other jacket.

The Tater Salad Story [ edit ]

(This story is repeated in slightly different versions in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVD, the They Call Me "Tater Salad" DVD, and the Drunk in Public audio CD. This is the version as it appears in Blue Collar Comedy. )

  • I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled my ass out of a nightclub like I was a Frisbee. Those big ol' New York bouncers who thinks bouncing's a cool job. They just talk about bouncing. They get together with other bouncers and talk about bouncing. They go home and watch Roadhouse and beat off. [Retarded voice] "Patrick Swayze's hittin' another guy! [laughs stupidly] " for wearing a hat. I walk in a bar with a hat on; this guy, real pissy, goes "Take off the hat!" [proceeds to mock-flex, looking much like a gorilla] I'm like, "What's the deal?" "I'll tell you what the deal is- faggots in this area wear hats and we're trying to keep 'em out of our club." I was like, "Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have a haircut like...yours." And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. You ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat back on, now, I'm between 6'1" and 6'6", depending on which convenience store I'm leaving, and I weigh about 235 lbs, and this guy is pokin' me on the shoulder with two fingers. He said, "That's it, you're outta here!" I said, "I don't think so, Scooter." And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that night club, and then they decided to square off with me in the parking lot. But I backed down 'cause I didn't know how many of them it was going to take to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy piece of information to have, right there; overkill.

You Can't Fix Stupid [ edit ]

  • Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a fuckin' tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive even if you don't know shit about trees.
  • The next time you have a thought...let it go.
  • I'm sweating scotch out of every pore in my body.
  • You know, one of the most-asked questions I get on my website, tatersalad.com, is "How come you aren't more involved in Blue Collar Television ?" You know, that's the show Jeff , Larry and Bill do. I'll tell you why—it's because of my work ethic. My grandfather once said, "That boy's got a lot of quit in him," and that's true. Hell, the things I didn't quit, I got kicked out of. I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying "Yeah?! Well, fuck you!" I thought I'd won. The other kid was speechless. I thought that was what we were tryin' to do.
  • If I could give advice to the planet, it would be; don't marry for looks alone, going either way, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, if Barbara's boobs start to sag too much, there's a place you can go where they can just lift 'em right back up to where they were. And they can point the nipple wherever they want 'em. You can actually go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say, "I want those titties on that woman right there." If her belly gets too big and she don't wanna work it off, you can go get a tummy tuck- they'll give you a belly that looks like a cheerleader. You know, if your eyes start to go bad, you can have Lasik surgery and they can give you 20/20 vision at any age. If your hearing starts to fail, they can put a device in your ear that'll make you able to hear as good as you could the day you were born. But let me tell you something, folks... you can't fix stupid . There's not a pill you can take, there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is fo-evah .
  • My manager will send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' go.
  • My last stop was in Anchorage, Alaska, which is real handy and a great place to visit in February if you...if you get the chance. After that, I went to Fairbanks, Alaska, and my manager's prediction that there wouldn't be a lot of snow in Fairbanks, Alaska in February was off by about seven and a half fucking FEET! THE most boring town I've ever been to in my life. Sorry if you're from there. It is a bore-hole. And I was stranded there for THREE DAYS. Count 'em, one...tick... [pauses and looks at his watch] ...tock...tick...Stranded there with the Eskimo people. Not a great looking group of folks. And I mentioned that onstage and they got pissed off. And I didn't see why they got so mad. I didn't insinuate that they had no character, I mentioned that they weren't attractive...I thought they knew. Apparently, I let some big cat out of the bag. Have you seen their teeth? They can make keys. You don't have to be in Fairbanks very long before you learn what that nose rubbing deal's all about. I'm good. Anyway, I got this scathing letter from the head Eskimo, Frosty or whatever his name was, and halfway through the letter he said he would have me know that the Inuit tribe is one of the purest races on the planet and I'm like, "That's kinda what I'm talkin' about. Nobody will have sex with these people." And then later in the letter it said there are less Inuits every year, which I guess means it's getting to where where they won't even have sex with each other.
  • On my way to Alaska, somebody suggested that I watch this movie, which I did. It's called Grizzly Man , and if you get a chance, watch it. It's very entertaining. It's about this guy, a never-do-well out-of-work-actor , who tries to reinvent himself as a filmmaker, and he goes to "grizzly land" and shoots this amazing footage, which was later compiled by Werner Herzog . And, about halfway through the movie, this guy snaps and thinks he's at one with the grizzly bears, and grizzly bears, he says, not only have the capacity for intellect, they have the capacity for sympathy...and then one of them eats him...FUNNIEST movie I've ever seen in my life. I laughed 'till I thought I was going to throw up! [Mimics laughing uproariously] "The bear ate him! That's rich!" And I wondered if this guy's dad, like my dad, ever said to him, "You're never gonna be shit!" [Audience laughs] "Well, you're wrong, poppa. Tomorrow morning, when this bear pushes me through his bowels, I'll be a steaming pile of bear-shit. I hope you're proud, daddy. You have no idea what I had to go through to make your dreams come true. I had to be digested . You know what that's like, daddy? I suppose you don't."
  • I was more fucked-up than Courtney Love at the Pamela Anderson roast!
  • I told him, "We're all gay. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I'm like, "Yeah, you are and I'll prove it." He goes, "Fine, prove it." I'm like, "All right, do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I'm, "Oh, o you only watch two women together?" He goes, "No, I'll watch a man and a woman making love." I said, "Oh, do you like the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "No, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause, applause) ...I did not know that about myself."
  • I found out yesterday there really is a place called Bumfuck, Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek.
  • The Ayatollah of Iran died today and they're desperately trying to find the next Ayatollah. I suggested they pick that guy they just kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow !
  • I got 2 Scottish terriers, because if you drink enough Johnny Walker products, eventually they'll just send you the dogs. And we got another 200 head of Scotties on a little ranch in Wyoming. We got little monkey cowboys in hats and vests, riding Shetland ponies, with little toy guns...one of them's the sheriff. Cutest thing you ever saw. No, but I do have 2 little Scottish terriers and their names are Birdy and Bogey, and someone said to me, "Oh, that's cute, they're named after your golf game." I said, "No, if they were named after MY golf game, they'd be called Double Bogey and Where The Fuck Is That Ball Going? , which is kind of a long name for a pet.
  • One day, I was picking up dog turds on my front yard, and I realized something: there are 6 people who work for me full-time, so I'm slowly reevaluating everybody's position at Ron White Inc., so that next time, I won't have to be the dog-turd-picker-upper. It's a tie between my pool boy and my tax attorney...and I'm leaning towards the tax attorney. But as I'm picking up these turds, I see one that's massive, even by Sluggo's standards, which are legendary, and I know it's his, because he outshits the Scotties 2-to-1. I'm looking at this turd – I'm admiring it, really – and I begin to think there's lettering on the side of it. I go in the house and get my glasses, because I can't read shit without my glasses. [Audience laughs] And it does . It says "Midland Park Golf Course". Sluggo had eaten and shat whole a golf glove , velcro and all...I rinsed it off and been using it for three weeks.

Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again [ edit ]

  • I decided last week that there are too many support groups in this country; you need to pick your own self up and go, you know? I saw this commercial last week, it was for a bladder control awareness group. I'm like, let me explain something to you: if you have a bladder control problem, you're probably aware of it. Or you're in some weird-ass denial I've never even heard of, you know? "Bob, I got a moisture problem in this area, and I don't know if it's condensation due to high humidity, or if I'm pissin' myself."
  • Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself, uh, my brother's a doctor and my sister's an attorney, and I hate Thanksgiving. Last year, we're sitting around the dining room table, and my brother tells a story about all the neat lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage to help the children. Then my mom goes, (archly) "Well, Ron? Is there anything new with your career?" And I go, "Yeah! I got a new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster!" Maybe I should've told my story first.

Behavioral Problems [ edit ]

  • I'd like to start off by telling you some great news. I got approved for a new reality show—it's an extreme makeover show for middle-aged lesbians, called "This Old Bull-Dyke". We already have a sponsor, too– Wolverine steel-toed boots has picked it up. We had another title, but the censors nixed it; it was originally going to be called, "Pimp My Muff!"
  • I'm staying tonight, or this week, in the Hotel 1000, and I would like to talk for just a second about their toilets. They've got the best toilets ever, man. They're amazing, you won't believe this if you've never seen one of these. Number one, the seat is heated. Now, that doesn't sound like a lot, but if you're used to a cold toilet seat and then you sit on a warm toilet seat, it's nice . It, like, relaxes your bowel muscles and kinda just helps you crap, you know? It's really nice. And then, on the wall, there's some buttons and one of them says Rear Cleansing and one of them says Front Cleansing ; there's a diagram of a guy sitting on a toilet with a stream of water shooting up his ass. So I push a button...and all of a sudden I'm that guy! I am. I'm sitting on the toilet with a stream of water shooting up my ass, and it's amazing ...how accurate this thing is. I don't know if everybody's butthole is in the exact same place, but this thing has got me dead center! And then there's another button below that button that says Oscillate and I said, "Why NOT?" Now I have a rotating stream of water shooting up my ass, and it was at that moment that I realized that 50 million gay men can't be wrong! [audience cheers] I'm singing songs to this toilet, I'm in love! [singing] "I honestly love you..." My wife caught me spreading cake on my ass, just so I could go wash it off. "Is that cake?!" "No, I gotta go to the bathroom...don't wait up."
  • I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I'm going home from PetSmart in the car with two dogs and the wife, and the wife says, "I need to stop at the bank," and I say, "Shit" or whatever I say, because I don't go to the bank. Everybody knows that, I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be, you know, 5 minutes," but there's absolutely no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. So, she goes in. And I know my dogs need to pee, and at our bank there's one piece of manicured lawn that has two signs that both say No Dogs ...so I take my dogs over there. This guy comes waddling out of the bank with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says no dogs!" I'm said, "Well, the sign's wrong. The sign should say, 'two dogs'."
  • I got in a little trouble. Did you guys hear anything about that? [audience cheers] I'll tell you what happened. I had two sold-out shows in Fort Pierce, Florida and we were gonna land in Vero Beach, Florida. And I have an airplane that, um, you guys...bought me. Thank you. It's nice. It is really cool. And we land in Vero Beach, and where we land, I look out the window and there's three cops standing there, which is no big deal to me. Because cops love me, so do firemen. And a lot of times, I'll get a police escort from the airport to the venue, and this...wasn't one of those times. I got outta the plane and there was a cop there and he said, "Mr. White, we have been told there are drugs on this plane by an anonymous tip." I said, "There are absolutely no drugs on the plane." Now, I did have a bit of weed in my bag, but it's not on the plane, so technically I'm not lying to this guy. And, you know, he goes, "Well, do you mind if we search the aircraft?" I said, "You absolutely cannot search this aircraft unless you have probable cause," because I still have civil liberties, you know what I mean? [audience cheers] I do. And they tell me, "Okay, we just wanna let the drug dog walk by it a couple times." I said, "Fine". And the drug dog walks by a couple times, and the guy goes, "Well, the dog gave us the signal that there are drugs on the plane". And I was like, "No, he didn't! That dog didn't do anything, I was staring straight at it! He didn't wink, blink, woof or paw. What's his signal, a blank stare? (mimes a blank stare) That's all he did!" "Well, the dog says there are drugs on the plane." And I said, "Well, I said there aren't drugs on the plane. Who are you going to believe, me or the...ah, fuck, never mind." Now, I've got a show to go to. They spend an hour and a half going through this plane. An hour and a half and I'm just sitting there going, "Oh, come on!" And they get finished and, of course, there are no drugs on the plane and I knew there wasn't. And I assume now they're gonna let me go and I'll go do my show, whatever. And then they go, "Well, now the dog needs to sniff that bag on your shoulder," and I was like, (Scooby Doo voice) "Ruh-roh!" They found 7/8 of a gram of marijuana in my bag. Now, when I have have 7/8 of a gram of marijuana, I consider myself to be... out of marijuana. That is no weed.
  • It was medicinal marijuana. It was prescribed to me by a doctor in California, which is where I live, and I told the cop this. When I went to see the doctor, he asked me, "Do you have any medical problems that medicinal marijuana helps alleviate?" And I said, "Well, I get bummed when I run out of weed...medicinal marijuana cures that." They handcuffed me and put me in the squad car, and take me to jail. Now, I'm not being an ass about it. I broke the law, that's fine, but, fuck, this is Florida! These cops drove by three meth labs and a dead hooker just to get here!
  • They processed me through county jail. Now, for whatever reason, I had a bunch of cash on me. I'd been on the road for a while. And now they gotta count it in front of me, and this guy comes over and he goes. [redneck accent] "Hey, man, I'm gonna have to count that money and you're gonna have to watch". And I'm like [sarcastic] "Fuck, not you." This money is in banded $5,000 stacks and this guy picks one of them up and goes [slowly flipping each bill] "One Mississippi. Two--". He didn't really say Mississippi but he fuckin' could have. "Two Mississippi..." and I go, "You can't do it that way. It'll take forever. Just take the band off and start counting. One-two-three-four-five. When you get to 50, that's 5,000 and just start the next stack." And he goes, "That's a good idea". That's what he said. So he counts the second stack and he goes "Hey, buddy, wait a minute! Wait a minute! There's only 42 in this one." I said, "Oh, that's okay. Just get 8 more outta this one, put it in this one. Now you have two stacks of 50. That's $10,000." I'M TEACHING THIS MOTHER FUCKER HOW TO COUNT!
  • I'm standing in line. I got a first class ticket. And I get up to the front of the line and there isn't anybody there. It's just a kiosk with a computer terminal. And I'm not good at computers. And I don't wanna touch this thing, 'cause it's got grease and dirt and what I only pray to Jesus is meringue.
  • I get to Atlanta and I check into the Ritz Carlton Hotel. And, uh, the next morning I go to take a shower and there's no hot water. And I called the front desk and I tell the girl at the front desk, I said there's no hot water. The girl at the front desk said "Sometimes there's no hot water"..."Didn't I just tell you that?" I said "I've stayed at $20 a night motels. The water was so hot you could cook your nuts with it." She goes "Well, every once in a while, everybody will wake up at the same time and they all take a shower at the same time and we run smack outta hot water." "You guys didn't think about that? They thought about it at the Motel 6. But that whole concept of people wake up in the morning with shit to do got right by the Ritz Carlton Hotel?"
  • (About valet parking in Atlanta and parking the car himself) He jumped out of his truck and he gets militant. And he jumps in front of my Range Rover and puts a hand on it, he puts his hands on the hood and he goes "Nobody parks their own car in this parking lot! I park the cars in this parking lot!" Well, I rolled down my window and very politely said, "Get out my fucking way!" [audience cheers] He goes "Nobody talks to me like that! You can't park your car in this parking lot!" And I said "FUCK YOU!". He goes "I'm calling the police. What's your first and last name?" "It's Fuck You. It's F-u-c-k CAPITAL Y-O-U! Fuck you, that's my name." He gets on his radio and calls the Dalai Lama of all parking lot attendants, who calls squealing up in his little red truck. Apparently, they give 'em to 'em. He hopes outta the truck like he's gonna do something. He immediately recognizes me and you see this big "Oh shit!" wash over his face. He literally shoves this kid outta the way and starts apologizing. He said, "Mr. White. I am sorry." I said, "Listen, this kid's not doing his job. He's an insolent little piece of shit. He needs to have his ass reamed." He goes, "Mr. White, he's gonna have his ass reamed by me and my boss and my boss' boss." And I was like, "Well, I had no idea the chain of command went that deep in the parking lot business..."
  • Pulitzer Prize-winning author Norman Mailer died last year at the age of 84 years old. For the last 60 years of this man's life, he drank to excess every day. Uh, he was married six times. He smoked pot. He stabbed his second wife. And I've never read one of his books, but I gotta tell you I'm a huge fan .
  • We went out last and I got so drunk last night, I woke up this morning and somebody had shit my pants. [audience cheers] I don't know who it was...but I know he eats corn...and cake. Corn cakes, I think that's what he was eating.
  • I got my wife breast implants for her birthday. I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery, but I gotta admit, I've had a lot of fun playing with these things. I haven't given them to her yet... [Audience cheers] I just keep 'em on my tour bus and just rub 'em in my face...I'm glad they clean up easy. [Audience groans] WHAT?! I'm just glad they are not made out of corduroy, that's all I'm saying! I'd have to have 'em Scotchgarded. [imitates spraying Scotchgard on implants] I find it a little ironic that the product that I use to keep from ruining my sofa should spill my drink on it is actually called...Scotch-guard. [Audience cheers] Sometimes, things just work out perfect, don't they? "Yeah, I'm looking for a product that'll protect my sofa should I spill my Scotch on it. What'd ya have?" [imitates clerk turning to look at stock] "We've got Scotch-guard." "Yeah, let's go with that. Do you have Vodka-guard? How about Sperm-guard?" It's a busy couch .
  • To the troops. [Audience cheers as he drinks scotch]
  • We take the money we make from selling the rest of Florida to Israel, we buy Mexico, fix it up and flip it !
  • My favorite byproduct of monogamy, it didn't even dawn on me that this would be the case. When I figured this out, I felt a huge weight just flutter off shoulders. And a lot of you guys might not realize this so this could be a big night of your life because I'm about to impart to you the most important thing I've ever learned. So, guys, I want you to open up your senses and really take this in. Don't waste this moment. Because here it comes...Ready? Here it comes...Guys, if you only have sex with your wife, you can't get caught . [Audience cheers. Makes a fluttering gesture with his hands on his shoulders] Feel it? Feel it? Nobody gives a rat's ass! Nobody's ever gonna kick in a bedroom door, "You motherfu--Is that your ol' lady?" [Makes motions like he's having sex doggy-style and turns and looks over his shoulder, annoyed] I may be exaggerating that stroke just a little. [Makes motions again, but faster] But still a ferocious piece of ass. Although easily winded.
  • My favorite place to have sex is on my tour bus, because if I can't quite have the wind to get her there, I can holler at that driver, "Pump the brakes!" [makes a sound like hitting the air brakes - chhh...chhh...chhh...] Faster! [chh! chh! chh! chh!] Thanks, Pat! Boy that Pat can fuck, can't he?
  • Actually you can get caught having sex with your wife. My wife and I were going at it one time one afternoon and the housekeeper walked in. Which is way better than the other way around. It happens the other way and you end up saying things like, "I'll pack my shit...when it stops burning!"
  • I find a lot of comfort in having one sex partner. That is because she knows what I like and I know what she won't do.
  • When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"...And she's the wrong one.

A Little Unprofessional [ edit ]

  • Austin was the first place where I was blatently offered a three-way, and I turned it down because it was one of those deals where it was two dudes and...me. I don't even watch Two and a Half Men . (2:25)
  • [About airports with advanced equipment] You know, you can have fun with that if you do it like I do. I take two Viagra and demand a pat down. "What's that in your pants, Mr. White?" "I have no idea. You're gonna need to pat that down...Pat it back up again...Give it a couple twists. See if it's connected to anything...You might wanna go wash your hands." (2:57)
  • He hooks me up to the gas and I don't feel anything. I'm like "Dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, "There are regulations in the State of Nevada stating which, Code One, Section Four..." I'm like, Fuck! And I asked him, I said, "Where did you go to college?" He goes, "Brigham Young." Fuck, dude, turn it up to Catholic. Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. Never. Don't do it. And I'll tell you why. They don't understand "Fucked Up" the way you and I do. They don't. They're guessin', and they're shitty guessers. (4:32)
  • I have an airplane that you guys...bought me. I like it a lot . Half of the Fortune 500 companies in America have let go of their private jets. Not Ron White Inc., I'm flying that son-of-a-bitch straight into bankruptcy ! I guarantee you, one day, I'll be livin' in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I'll have a jet with weeds growin' through it. I'll be in the front seat goin', "Push me around some!" And I don't come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from...no money. 10 years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend's backyard. He didn't even know I was there. (7:12)
  • I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I have learning disabilities. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper. I do have a GED, and if you don't know what GED stands for...you probably got one, too. (9:13)
  • I told my wife, I said, "You get there at 5:30 you can fly with me but let me tell you something Sugar Tits, at 5:31 I am wheels up and I am fucking gone!" ...I said that. Not very loud, but I said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No! Do I leave? [Majority of the audience says "Yes!"] ...No! 6:01 gets there. Is she there? No. Do I leave? No. Why? Because this dick won't suck itself, that's why. (10:29)
  • Very politely, I said, "Lady, talking during live theater, as far as social skills go, is like shitting in the street." She goes, "You better mind your own business." I said, "You better quit shittin' in the street". She goes, "I'll have you thrown outta here". I said "IF YOU DON'T QUIT FLAPPIN' YOUR FUCKIN' COCK HOLSTER!" Everybody heard that. Before, it was a little disturbance right behind me. Very few people privy to that one. Then, 1,700 people hear me going, "If you don't quit flappin' your fuckin' cock holster!" All of this at a show called " Love ", by the way...I had her murdered and buried in the desert. [Shrugs while the audience laughs] It's Vegas, baby. Be careful who you fuck with. (14:11)
  • We got Bin Laden, man. It took 10 years, it wasn't exactly a calf-rope. He was in that house for six years with five wives. I would've shot my fucking self! I'd have my head out of the window screaming at drones, going, "I'M OVER HERE!" (26:53)
  • You ever smoke so much pot your wife starts to make sense? Me neither. (30:20)
  • Last year in Florida, at Sea World Florida, an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale...HUH. Turns out, there's a reason why they didn't name them "ocean ponies." Some things are exactly as they seem, folks. Killer whales kill, pilot whales wear dark sunglasses. I'm not sure how the sperm whale got his name...but I'm not getting in the pool. (31:06)

If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up (2018 Netflix special) [ edit ]

  • I'm 61 years old now, and I know two things to be true. One: anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint if you crash your car into it. And you can't unfuck the housekeeper.
  • "Don't drink and drive." That's what they say. They also say "Friends don't let friends drive drunk." Well, which one is it? Somebody's gotta drive .

External links [ edit ]

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50+ Ron White Quotes From The Hilarious 'Tater Salad' Comedian

Ron White performs as part of his 2013 world tour.

Best Ron White Quotes

Inspirational & funny ron white quotes.

Ron White is a chart-topping Grammy-nominated comedian and a noted feature film actor.

Ron 'Tater Salad' White first rose to fame as the cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. He is best known through his bestseller 'I Had the Right to Remain Silent But I Didn't Have the Ability'.

Growing up in a small town in Texas, Ron eventually became one of America's most successful comedians. All four of his comedy albums charted No.1 on the Billboard Comedy Charts. He has sold more than 14 million albums (solo and with the Blue Collar Comedy Tour), been nominated for two Grammys, and, since 2004, has been one of the top three grossing standup comedians on tour in America.

After performing comedy in 1986 and opening for legendary comedians Sam Kinison and Jeff Foxworthy, Ron eventually becoming a comedy club headliner in 2000, White was asked to join the Blue Collar Comedy Tour alongside Mr. Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. The show toured for more than three years to sold-out audiences in more than 270 cities and grossed more than $35 million. In 2003, Warner Brothers filmed the show, 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie'.

In November 2003, Ron released his breakthrough comedy CD 'Drunk In Public' followed by his first one-hour TV comedy special 'They Call Me Tater Salad .' Here are his quotes, and if you like these, do look at our comedian quotes and [Jack Handy quotes].

Here are a few of Ron White's best quotes from the book 'I Had The Right To Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability'.

1. "I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability."

- Ron White.

2. "The next time you have a thought... let it go."

3. "You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take or a class you can go to."

4. "Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!"

5. "In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it."

Here’s a collection of the funniest and most inspirational Ron White quotes. These Ron White quotes will certainly crack you up.

6. "I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

7. "I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously."

8. "The hardest that I’ve laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed ’til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off."

9. "I do live like a rock star, but it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s a lot of traveling."

10. "My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth."

11. "Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine’s putting in an express lane."

12. "Donald Trump – and I don’t dislike Donald one single bit – has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels."

13. "People are saying that I’m an alcoholic, and that’s not true, because I only drink when I work, and I’m a workaholic."

14. "I get e-mails from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever – plumbers and drywall hangers."

15. "You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered."

16. "I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there."

17. "You can’t fix stupid."

18. "I’d rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part."

19. "Everybody I know is a joke writer."

Ron White Blue Collar Comedy Tour Quotes

'Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie' is a television program that debuted in 1970. The movie is distributed by Warner Bros. Here are a few Ron White quotes from the movie.

20. "That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. That's our policy."

- Ron White, 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie'.

21. "I guess we'd been floating down that river for an hour before I realized everybody's just peeing on themselves."

22. "I didn't even know they made a 28-button suit."

23. "Diamonds: Render her speechless."

24. "So I flew in here to Phoenix from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe."

25. "He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions."

26. "I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, 'Bye everyone, I gotta go'."

27. "Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty-dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck. Here's your sign."

28. "Oh, there are no actors. Believe me, this is an actor-free environment."

29. "I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton, he's a televangelist from Dallas, and he said this: He said, 'Are you lonely?'"

Ron White is a Grammy-nominated comedian and actor. Let us have a look at some Ron White quotes, including his best quotes on life and comedy.

30. "I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid."

31. "Stupid is forever."

32. "My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks."

33. "You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh."

34. "I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny."

35. "I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game."

36. "I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers."

37. "I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow."

38. "Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss."

39. "There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years."

40. "I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it."

41. "Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin."

42. "The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really."

43. "As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny."

45. "If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun."

46. "Comedy is great because there's no overhead."

47. "I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for anymore."

49. "I've been offered starring roles in horrible movies, but I just didn't want to do it. I don't see why you would."

50. "My show is more storytelling now than it's ever been. It's what I'm good at."

51. "I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative."

Here at Kidadl , we have carefully created lots of interesting family-friendly quotes for everyone to enjoy! If you liked our suggestions for Ron White quotes from the comedian, then why not take a look at Johnny Carson or Louis CK quotes ?

Main image credit: Steve Sykes / Shutterstock.com

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A professional content writer hailing from Kolkata, India, with extensive experience in the corporate sector, Writvik Gupta has worked with several reputed companies, including ITC WelcomHotel Jodhpur, Bharti AXA Life Insurance, Aryan Imaging, and Eduquity. He also serves as a consultant for a startup based in Bangalore. With a passion for the outdoors, Writvik enjoys trekking and traveling to remote destinations. He also has a keen interest in exploring various cuisines and regularly volunteers for social causes.

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IMAGES

  1. Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie Pictures

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  2. Ron White's "Tater Salad" Days: The Blue Collar Comedy Tour star on

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  3. Ron "Tater Salad" White

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  4. ‎Blue Collar Comedy Tour

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  5. Jeff Foxworthy

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  6. Blue Collar Comedy Tour Photos

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VIDEO

  1. Have they found a fix for this? #comedy #shorts #ronwhite

  2. Joe Rogan: "Everybody is Misinformed"

  3. Joe Rogan: LOL "Cats Eat People"

  4. Opening to Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road 2006 DVD (Fullscreen version)

  5. Dont marry for looks, but wait for the punchline! 😂 Ron White #dailylaughs #comedy #funny #marriage

  6. Joe Rogan:"All Wearwolf Are Insestor of Dogs?

COMMENTS

  1. Ron White

    Ronald Dee White (born December 18, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian, actor and author, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.Nicknamed "Tater Salad", he is the author of the book I Had the Right to Remain Silent But I Didn't Have the Ability, which appeared on the New York Times best seller list.

  2. Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (TV Special 2004)

    Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again: Directed by C.B. Harding. With Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Ron White. Bill Engvall, Ron "Tater Salad" White, Jeff Foxworthy, and Larry the Cable Guy return on-stage to give some funny redneck laughs and humorous spins on everyday affairs.

  3. Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road

    Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road: Directed by C.B. Harding. With Bill Engvall, Ron White, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy. Bill Engvall, Ron "Tater Salad" White, Jeff Foxworthy, and Larry the Cable Guy return on-stage to give some funny redneck laughs and humorous spins on everyday affairs.

  4. Ron White Gets the Last Laugh

    Thanks to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, he's richer than all get-out, and you're not. Search Texas Monthly. ... With Tater Salad atop the marquee, the event raised $85,000. Earlier this year ...

  5. Ron White Tickets

    Comedian Ron "Tater Salad" White first rose to fame as the cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour phenomenon, but now as a chart-topping Grammy-nominated comedian and a feature film actor, Ron White has established himself as a star in his own right. White has always been a classic storyteller.

  6. Ron White

    Renowned comedian Ron White, affectionately known as "Tater Salad," catapulted into the limelight as the cigar-wielding, scotch-savoring humorist who stole the spotlight within the Blue Collar Comedy Tour phenomenon. Yet, his trajectory has evolved into an extraordinary journey, one where he has risen to chart-topping Grammy-nominated comic and a captivating feature film actor. At his core ...

  7. 'Tater Salad' comedian Ron White takes stage at Stephens Auditorium

    Ron White, the "cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour phenomenon," will perform at Stephens Auditorium at 8 p.m. Thursday, according to a news release. Nicknamed "Tater Salad," White has taken the stage at Stephens twice in the past, performing for sold-out crowds there in 2016 and 2018.

  8. Ron White: They Call Me Tater Salad (TV Special 2004)

    Ron White: They Call Me Tater Salad: Directed by Michael Drumm. With Ron White. Ron White does an hour long standup routine about his life, things that bother him, and other thoughts.

  9. Ron White Tickets

    Ron White Tour — Catch Tater Salad Live! ABOUT. From his humble Texas beginnings as the cigar-wielding, scotch-sipping jokester of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, to his current status as a Grammy-nominated powerhouse and captivating feature film actor, renowned comedian Ron "Tater Salad" White has skyrocketed to stardom, solidifying his place in the American comedy hall of fame.

  10. Ron White

    Event Details. Comedian Ron "Tater Salad" White first rose to fame as the cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour phenomenon, but now as a chart-topping Grammy-nominated comedian and a feature film actor, Ron White has established himself as a star in his own right. Always a classic storyteller, he relays tales ...

  11. Ron White

    Comedian Ron "Tater Salad" White grew from small-town Texas roots to become one of America's most popular comics. He first rose to fame as the slow-drawling, cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, alongside Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy. Ron's solo comedy specials They Call Me ...

  12. Bio

    Comedian Ron "Tater Salad" White is a classic storyteller; relaying tales from his real life ranging from growing up in a small town in Texas, to sharing stories of his daily life, to becoming one of the most successful comedians in America. Ron rose to fame as the cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour ...

  13. Watch Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (2004)

    Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again. 2004 · 1 hr 46 min. TV-14. Comedy. Bill Engvall, Ron "Tater Salad" White, Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy return for their redneck laughs and trademark spins on everyday life. StarringBill Engvall Jeff Foxworthy Larry the Cable Guy Ron White. Directed byC.B. Harding. Bill Engvall, Ron "Tater ...

  14. Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One For The Road

    Bill Engvall, Ron "Tater Salad" White, Jeff Foxworthy, and Larry the Cable Guy return on-stage to give some funny redneck laughs and humorous spins on everyday affairs. ... Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One For The Road. Replay. logo. TV-14; CC:EN; Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One For The Road. 00:00:00. 00:00:00. 00:00. SD. TV-14. Blue Collar Comedy ...

  15. 20 Questions With Ron White

    March 22, 2006. /. 5:44 PM. A founding member of the Blue Collar Comedy tour, Ron White (aka Tater Salad) wants you to know You Can't Fix Stupid. That's the title of his new comedy album and ...

  16. Ron White

    SHOW ALL QUESTIONS. Ronald Dee White (born December 18, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian, actor and author, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Nicknamed " Tater Salad ", he is the author of the book I Had the Right to Remain Silent But I Didn't Have the Ability, which appeared on the New York Times best seller ...

  17. Ron White

    A Box Office Representative can be reached by phone at 973-539-8008 or by email at [email protected]. Official Ticketing Site >> Comedian Ron "Tater Salad" White first rose to fame as the cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking funnyman from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour phenomenon, but now as.

  18. Ron White

    Ron White. United States. 7.0 /10. Based on 13 specials. Ronald Dee White (born December 18, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian, actor and author, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Nicknamed "Tater Salad", he is the author of the book I Had the Right to Remain Silent But I Didn't Have the Ability, which appeared ...

  19. Home

    Get a daily joke from Ron follow him on social media. Catch the. TATER

  20. Ron White

    The Tater Salad Story [edit] (This story is repeated in slightly different versions in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVD, the They Call Me "Tater Salad" DVD, and the Drunk in Public audio CD. This is the version as it appears in Blue Collar Comedy.) I got thrown out of a bar in New York City.

  21. Hi I am Ron White / Tater Salad / Blue Collar Comedy Tour ...

    In other words, Foxworthy milks marriage and rednecks for comedy, Larry milks rednecks for comedy, and Engvall milks marriage and "Here's your sign" for comedy. Ron doesn't have a gimmick really, just the Tater Salad and whiskey/cigars stuff. That's why I have a LOT more respect for Ron as a comedian than any of the other three chumps.

  22. 50+ Ron White Quotes From The Hilarious 'Tater Salad' Comedian

    Ron White Blue Collar Comedy Tour Quotes 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie' is a television program that debuted in 1970. The movie is distributed by Warner Bros. Here are a few Ron White quotes from the movie. 20. "That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. That's our policy." - Ron White, 'Blue Collar ...